tracymckenzie

July 17, 2007

daughters travel

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 2:29 am

Well, it’s the night before my daughter travels. she is going to Boston to visit her Aunt and Uncle and cousins who live there for a week. She is flying out tomorrow morning on JetBlue. I am a nervous reck. A.. for one thing she is traveling by herself on a plane and B.. I will be away from her for a whole week. I think, well I know, that I am more nervous about her flying out by herself on a BIG JET PLANE. I know, that plane travel is more safe than traveling in a car but I am still afraid of the whole flying thing. Sure I could have driven her out there but that would have been a lond car ride but going and coming back, so I said “Sure I don’t mind if she flys.” She will have a great time with her aunt and uncle and cousins. Her aunt is planning alot of fun things for her to do and she is excited. Though, she says that she will miss mom.  You know when she is with her dad for a week, it’s different. Sure, I miss her but I know she’s only a few miles away. But Boston, well, that’s different. It’s clear across the country. I am praying to God that everything will go well and she will have a safe flight and that the flight attendents will be nice to her.

I will be glad when I get the call from her aunt in Boston saying that she landed safely and that she is with her.

I guess sometime you just have to let go and let your 10 year old be alittle independent. But it’s hard. WOW, it’s hard to see your little girl grow up.

May 22, 2007

Life in general

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 3:14 pm

I’m having a hard time this week dealing with life. I feel that my life is not going really well and I’m not sure what to do. I have been trying to start up a cleaning business and it hasn’t gone anywhere. I am in retail part-time just for the time beng trying to bring in alittle money.

I’m just feeling lost right now and alone. I have been praying to God to help me with ths feeling of being stupid and like I should not be on this earth. I’m just going through the motions day in and day out to get by. It kinda scares me as to if I should be here and if I’m not, all my troubles and depression will go away.

I have always been a loner and have always said that I am very independent but as I get older, I don’t want that. I feel as if I need people in my life. When I got divorced, I thought WOW, I’m finally going to be able to do what I want, come and go as I please and my daughter and I won’t have to answer to anybody. Now, I don’t exactly want to have to answer to anyone but I would like to have people in my life and have more friends to laugh and cry and be with.

May 15, 2007

church

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 9:20 pm

I have been going to Central Vineyard for I think about 8 months now. Somewhere around there. Anyway, I’ve been wandering if this is a fit for me as far as going to this church. I wanted a church where I could connect with the people. But when I go there, I feel like an outcast. Usually, no one will come up to me to talk to me after the service. Now, I know, I shouldn’t always except people to have to come up to me but I’m not the most outwardly person in the world. I do enjoy Jeff’s teachings and the worship band. Please pray that I will figure out what to do. This is something that has been on my mind for awhile.

Also, I need some prayer for my brother-in-law. My sister and her husband live in North Carolina and my sister called and said that my brother-in-law has been having fainting spells. Now, I guess the most recent one he had this last weekend, when he came to, he didn’t know where he was. My brother-in-law is about 58. He hasn’t been to the doctor yet because they both do not have health insurance. I’m afraid that it’s somekind of mini strokes that he is having. Please pray that he will go to the doctor and find out what they are.

May 11, 2007

music

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 1:35 am

I was up at my ex-husbands work so my daughter to see her dad tonight. I put in the cd that I got from Central Vineyard on Sunday and WOW what a great cd. It really made me think about what God means to me and really filled me with the spirit. My daughter and I listened to it on the way back home and my daughter and me were both really moved by it.

It’s interesting how worship songs can really make a difference in you life when you are down and can prase God. It makes me think how God really is in my life and can help me to feel alittle better about things. Of course, so can prayer.

I guess I was feeling down about my life and how I wish that things were easier for me and people that I care about. I also wonder why things can go so well for some people and not other people. Is it because those people pray more or is it because God likes those people more. I know that that is not true but I can’t help but feel that way sometimes.

May 4, 2007

ex-husband

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 11:20 pm

I am divorced and have been for going on 9 years. Was in a bad marriage and left my husband when my daughter was 10 months old. Now it started as a shitty divorce but we soon realized that it did not benefit any one to make this a nasty divorce.

Anyway, we have done things very well with my daughter. We each have her every other weekend. Now, I’ve been really leaneant with him as far as if he wants her another day or another weekend besides the weekend that he is scheduled to have her. This month I have my daughter two weekends in a row because he has said that I could have her Mothers Day weekend and the weekend after that which is my birthday. I was supposed to have her this weekend which would have been three weekends in a row but I felt sorry for him So I let him have her this weekend. I felt bad because she was to play with her friend this weekend and I screwed up by letting him have her.

Now a little bit of background. He can not be the most flexible person when it comes to springing things on him at the last minute when it does not benefit him. Anyway, her friend was sad because she was not going to see Michelle and I felt bad about it. So, I called him and asked if maybe he would let Michelle play with her tomorrow for alittle bit with her friend. I was really surprised when he said he would bring her over later (he lives around the corner from her) and let her play tonight and even possibly tomorrow afternoon and that it would be no problem. Now, go figure. I was all nervous about it and he ended up saying no problem.

But yet he can be the meanest thing on pidily things when I tell him about different things that I think are nothing.

Anyway, I guess that I will always have this nervousness around him when making changes in the custody schedule. I pray that maybe I will get over this as she gets older and things crop up with my daughter.

April 17, 2007

Hair

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 11:20 pm

Ever since my daughter was a baby. I would get up before her and get ready for work and then get her up and get her ready to go to the sitter or now to school. Basically the same ruetine everyday. Then before we leave I brush her hair. Now when my daughter was a baby she did not have any hair. In fact, she did not have any hair until she was about a year old.

Anyway, now she has long hair and it’s pretty thick. I have always brushed it out because when she brushes it out she doesn’t seem to get all the rats out. We go through the same battle every morning. She will say “Mom, your not being gentle enough.” and I’ll say “but honey I have to get the rats out. And I don’t want you going to school looking like a rag-a-muffin (my own special word that I made up).”  Then I’ll say “now if we got it cut, we would not have to go through this every morning.” and her reply is always “no, I don’t want it cut.” I guess we will have our hair woes every morning until she moves out to go to college.

I know I should probably just let her do her own hair and let her look like a rag-a-muffin. But you know, we all want our kids to go to school not looking like they just got out of bed and went to school.

April 16, 2007

new to this blog world

Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 9:51 pm

This blogging thing is new to me but I think I need this as an outlet for me to say what my feeling are instead of having them locked inside of me and then I feel as if I might explode.

 I feel really frustrated with my life right now. With not having a steady job or steady income for that matter and wondering what exactly I am doing with my life.

 I’m 45 soon to be 46 and my life is not really going anywhere. I guess I feel as if I haven’t really accomplished anything great in my life.

I think the only thing that has come out of my life that is great and that I could brag about is my great daughter. Sometimes I wonder what exactly she thinks of what mom has accomplished in her life. Well, let’s see. Never went to college, divorced and not having a real job. Though I do make sure she is well taken care of and provided for but I wish I could do more for her. Like, more outside activities. She does take horseback riding lessons once a week but I wish I could have her do more things. She never complains though and has never asked if she could do sports, take dance or maybe art classes.

I guess this is something I need to pray about with God.

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Filed under: Uncategorized — mm10 @ 9:37 pm

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